MUSIC:

~ Frontier Psychiatrist - the Avalanches... --> *SO* good!!
~ Anything from Amelie (duh)
~ Sunrays and Saturdays (acoustic) - Vertical Horizon (who are also the mystery band from a couple of updates ago ;) )
and always U2...where the streets have no name...still haven't found what I'm looking for...bad...with or without you...
It's like the Godfather (You've Got Mail reference!! Meg Ryan...ahh...Tom Hanks...I'm the ultimate soppy romantic. Michelle and I went to see Serendipity today!! :) )
Which brings us to...

MOVIES:
Tootsie. Always.
The Emperor's New Groove
The Road to El Dorado
Being John Malkovitch. This movie is absolutely brilliant. If I can one day make a film this unusual, take a step this bold and different, I will be proud of myself.
American Beauty. I know it's praises have been sung already, but...love it all. And see BJM - same applies.

Enough of movies.

Bought my formal dress!! :)
Sooo lovely...
Still needs alterations but it'll be stunning.
Unusual.
Celebrity-esque.
April 20.
Now I just have to find the perfect shoes, bag, partner...
Hmm...

Bought a new top today also. Purple/Blue, for winter, with long sleeves and a boatneck. V. Nice. (Bridget Jones' Diary rocks my world.)

Going to see Sweet Bird of Youth with Guy Pearce on Tuesday pm with school friends. (Actually part of school, but ...never mind) It's all good.

Got my Uni Lit books today. Even though I still don't have the confirmation letter. It starts in a week. But anyway.

I love David Malouf. An Imaginary Life. Dream Stuff. Johnno. He is incredibly talented. He makes me want to be a writer, more than anything. I am in awe of his vision.

And bizarrely enough, I seem to be the only person in my year level who likes him. Probably my old brain. I could drown, ecstatic, in his prose. It's that good.

That's all for now, but one final note - Malcolm in the Middle is the best comedy TV show (second only to the Simpsons, which is obviously undisputably the best) that I have ever seen. It not only makes me laugh, it makes me feel better about my family - a mean feat!! :D

Someday, I will get a scanner. Until then, you guys are stuck with just the words...these are great though...

Anyone can get a life
Anyone can use it
But who will dare to inhabit the thing
And USE it?

A lived in life
Will soon get loose and work
From use and feeling;
Countless tiny scratches;
The shine goes off.
It's very unappealing!

Dirt builds up,
A load of muck and grit.
A part of you gets lost -
A hope, a philosophy
Or a love that doesn't fit.

Another broken sleep.
A dream collapses.
A quick repair. It's worth a try.
A scrap of string from the soul.
Perhaps a battered grin
Will fill the hole -
Or just a sigh.

Flakes and cracks!
A major idea buckles badly
A makeshift support is
Invoked quickly
A tired old joke could
Hide the dint.
Or be a wedge, or a patch
Or a splint.....
Truly, sweetly, sadly.

And yet it works and lives!
It all still goes. It forgives.
It's a miracle!
Worn in, bashed in, cried in,
And the great thing -
A lived in life
Can be happily died in.

This will be a long update.
So I will write it later.
Hello to all...

Life has been REALLY crazy lately.

Thanks so much to all those who messaged, emailed, commented, phoned, hugged, listened or silently supported. Your love and thoughts are invaluable, and you guys, to some extent, kept me going.

In today's update, I have a funny story (for JOSIE!! This one is specifically for you!) and some general stuff. Oh, and a shopping update!! And a new piercing, and...

Let's just get started.

Last night I worked 6-9 shift at Nandos, at the end of a VERY long day. It was the busiest I have ever seen it. The screen was full for the whole three hours, I made multiple mistakes (we all did, it was ok, i got to eat them later!) and Amanda and I, who were cooking, just did not stop. So, at the end of all this busy-ness, when things were finally slowing down and I got to stand still for three seconds, I wasn't really listening when Shane mumbled something about keeping an eye on the sink cause he was going to do the racks soon...

BIG mistake.

Ten minutes later, I walk around the bench to get something, and realise that the taps are still going. So is the water. The sink (huge trough, about a metre in diameter) *completely* overflowed, onto the bench, the floor - everything. I turned off the tap and just gaped. The water just kept on flowing!

So, of course, I called Amanda over. We were speechless...and then we cracked up. I could not stop laughing. It was the best thing that had happened to me all day. SO ridiculous. We started bailing out all the water, but I could not stop laughing. It was good to laugh again, too. Anyways. Josie knows why that story is funny more than anyone I think! lol...

Lately, school and home and work and competition and home - especially home - have gotten a bit too much for me, as you may have gathered. And that's ok...it's being dealt with...I'll be fine. And I think next time around I'll tell someone when I'm not. But I'm not going to talk about this now. Suffice it to say, things are on the mend.

However, when they weren't, back on Tuesday, I decided that seeing as I couldn't possibly feel worse (I was wrong about that though) I would go and get my left ear pierced again, halfway up, cause I'd been planning to for ages and I wanted - needed - to do something to assert my right to choose myself. (It's a long story.) So now there is a small stainless steel star in my left ear. It's stopped hurting too much, and now I'm just hanging out to change it! (I'm not really a fan of wearing steel...!)
Which brings me to...

A shopping update!! I went shopping today.
It was good.

I almost bought:

~ comics from an awesome shop called Minotaur...but then we had to leave :(

~ Birkenstocks. NOT the trendy-trendy ones, but funky suede clogs. They were this deep blue colour. They were also $170 dollars. I opted out at that point. Even though I do need new shoes. Sad sad sad...

So I went and cheered myself up with some real retail therapy! (Window shopping *so* doesn't count!)

~ Wide stripey stretchy blue headband

~ Wooden beaded necklace (reminded me of my friend Andrew)

~ 2 little badges to wear somewhere...hopefully on my blazer, even though it's "illegal". One says 'brilliant' in purple with blue and white clouds in the background, and the other has a black background and just says ENTER? in white block letters. I just liked them...

~ Four *tiny* studs to wear in my ear. Two were silver stars (one had a gem, one didn't), and then there were two that were even smaller that were just red and green gems. Very delicate. The one I have in now is too chunky.

That all cost me...quite a bit...but I felt so much better! So that's good.

I think I'd better go now. I have a lot of homework to do, but I'm going to go eat chocolate and popcorn and watch a movie. Good choice, says my brain :) .

How can I have accumulated so many problems in my life and not noticed until now?
The elephant in the living room concept is so true.
You never know what you've got til it's gone.
And you never know what you don't have until you find someone who does.
Envy is the scourge of the human race. (One of them anyway.)

I have been having a string of bad days. Bad weeks, or months even. And I didn't even really realise. Until I hit the nadir (I learnt that word today), and I couldn't handle it, and I had to find some help. Somewhere. So I didn't collapse completely and just...

I don't know.

So many things in my life are good. And normally they're all I look at. But I think...sometimes you need to look at the bad things, even if it's just so you can fix them, and go back to looking at the good things again.

So for all the people out there sure that I'm an eternal optimist, sure that I could never be sad, never be depressed... you were wrong. Not in a bad way. Just consider - nobody is really what they seem.

And if you want confirmation of that last statement, read Alias Grace, by Margaret Atwood. Especially you Canadians. It's an awesome book, and it proves my point explicitly.

You know, sometimes I think there are so many things I should talk about here. So many things I could say, or express, or be here. But in the end the beauty and the freedom of having a page to write your thoughts in this way is that you don't *have* to explain.
So many depressing, frightening, stressful things are happening. And I keep feeling the need to say "It's ok! I can deal with it. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine" to my friends. The truth is though, I'm not. And I don't have anyone to tell this truth to, so this is where I can express it. I'm not ok. But I will be. So don't worry. (See, I'm still doing it!)
Because I don't have to explain here, I can be true. I can be honest. I can just *be*.
[I wonder if anyone's realised how much of a road to self-discovery through anonymity the internet can be...]
It's funny, I was trying to talk to one of my friends today about how awful I felt about everything, and I realised that my sense of humour is always the last thing to go. I put on a happy face and pretend to the end that everything is ok. I think that's why when things fall apart, they *really* fall apart. When I said that to her, she said "Yeah, and that's one of the things we all love so much about you - you're so positive! But you should really talk to us when things go wrong - I'm surprised you didn't call me..."
I can see why she thinks I should have. But it wouldn't have helped.
At least now a few things are more under control. More than they were yesterday. Hopefully it'll be a continuing trend!

This is the poem that the link is to in the comments from my last update. It's also one of the favourite poems of one of my oldest friends, so I've heard it before, but it has always struck a chord somewhere in my heart.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

— William Ernest Henley (1849-1903)

It's so STRONG. Some would say arrogant, but I say defiant.

This is Leunig's.


Homes are quietly burning
Madness on the march
Lies move unresisted
Through the land

We stand by helpless
As our lives are occupied
Faster than we
Understand

Collaborators wave
Their little flags
As ugliness takes over
"MAKE A FRIEND OF
UGLINESS" they say
"LEARN THE LANGUAGE
THEN YOU WON'T GET HURT"

But you *will* -
No matter how
You crawl;
A knock on the door
One night
A scuffle in the hall
Your heart rubbed
In the dirt

"Alright!" You scream your
Indecision
"Take the children - but
Leave the television!"
So you stand by useless
As childhood is trashed;
Innocence reviled;
The truth is bashed.

The home and the
Idea of home
Is set on fire.
And still you stand by
As the goodness in your
Culture burns
You stand there in
The glow
Going, going -
Going with the flow.

Ah yes, the FLOW!
Heaven help us.
One day you might
Be asked, "How come
You did not know
What was going on?
Why did you not fight?"

"FIGHT?" you'll say
"That's a thought that
Never occurred."
The very word
Brings tears.
It will dawn on
You after all those
Painful years

That to fight is one
Of the most beautiful,
Simple and useful ideas.


How can one be so depressed, so downtrodden, and yet so determined at the same time? This is how I feel.

Thankyou everyone who commented on my last update. Lots of smiles were resulting. It was great to be able to write about it...I love being able to express myself. It's all good.

This morning has been very positive. Or at least, I'm feeling pretty positive now! I think it's the result of my mid-morning chocolate icecream break. :)

Though I have lots of work, it's all interesting. We yell lots in Politics classes, which creates fantastic debates, and we might be going on a weekend road trip to Canberra later in the year. Fun fun fun. Although I have two SACs next week (History and Literature), I'm not all that worried. I'll do lots of work, and it'll be fine. :D

I'm going to buy my boardies after school today (yay!) and I have a P4 spare. So after this class, I could theoretically go home :). I won't though... I'd rather go shopping, or stay at school and work. When I'm home, I just want to crash, and I don't end up doing any work. And at the moment, I have enough to do that I can't really avoid it! :) Oh well...

I have been meaning and meaning to update about this, and I keep forgetting - not because it's not important, it's monumentally important, but just because I have so many things that I have to remember on my mind, the things that I wish to remember sometimes get forgotten. Go figure.

So, the deal is...

I'm playing Vivaldi's Concerto "La Notte" for my eighth grade flute exam, and also, as it's a piece for solo flute and string orchestra, hopefully as a solo artist with string orchestra.

This all sounded good when my teacher suggested it at the end of last year, and I had a look at the piece a couple of times during the holidays. But now that I'm actually starting to work on it, now that I can play it...

WOW.

It's amazing. I will die if I don't get to play it with string orchestra. Hands-down, the most beautiful music I've ever played. (And I have played some wonderful stuff.)

The other fantastic thing about it is the tremendous feeling of accomplishment and joy that I'm getting from the simple fact that I can pick this piece - or almost anything else (within reason) up and play it. I've been working towards this for over seven years, and I finally feel like I made it. I *am* a flautist.

It feels so good...

And the best part is, that will keep on going.